Junior Read online

Dear Veronica,

  So this is letter number I don’t know, and I still haven’t gotten a final yes or no. I think it might have something to do with the font I’m using. You see, CP+B has gotten so used to people kissing their ass and treating them like royalty, that they only respond to this font anymore. I don’t mean it as a criticism; the praise is certainly well deserved. You guys are unbelievably good (thus my steady stream of emails). I think your agency can successfully keep from getting weighed down by your egos. Remember, that’s how the Titanic sank.

  Still, the last CP+B campaign I saw was the ads, and they don’t meet up with your usual quality of work. I mean, the execution was decent, but the strategy? come on! What was it: “Men need to act like sexist wolverines”? Is that original at all? It’s the same strategy as that PSA for “The Preservation of Sexist Wolverines Coalition.”

  Part of this is me being bitter that some of my work doesn’t meet up to most of your agency’s work, and part of it is me being hurt that I still haven’t gotten a response from you. I’m sure you’ve been really busy, and that hundreds of arrogant copywriters send you e-mails every day, but I was enjoying being sort of pen pals, because above being a good writer, I’m also a nice guy. So to get back to where we should be:

  Last we talked you were being kidnapped by pandas, I was busy not smelling bad, and we were sharing laughs about creative departments needing tall people to get cookies (remember those sweet memories? Beautiful times).

  I’ve given you enough reasons to hire me, and even more reasons not to hire me, (like that crappy portfolio I sent you, and almost insulting CP+B at the beginning of this letter).

  Sure, I’ve got lots to learn, but I’m a quick learner (minus my unwillingness to learn that I write too much, and that I shouldn’t insult the people I admire and respect so much). I’d be thrilled if you took a look at my new book, even if just to find comfort in the fact that I’m just some arrogant non-portfolio school kid who doesn’t even print on glossy paper. Don’t be afraid to tell me no, I’ll try writing you again in about a year when my book is even better.

  In case all you could read of this letter was the words “this font” then trust me that the rest was awesome.

  -Thomas Kemeny

  ----

  Hi Thomas,

  I’m a sucker for relentless persistence and am impressed by the giant cajones you must have to write such a letter.

  I do believe you to be smarter than the average bear. This in fact, was just your way of getting attention. Probably hoping that I would forward this along to the Creative geniuses behind the work. So that you could then create a dialogue with someone other than me.

  I really like your letters. I can’t offer you a job. I can offer you an internship. Let me know if you have any interest and I’ll fill you in on the details. Please resend your mini book too, I’d like to revisit it.

  :)

  V

  How to “hypothetically” live at the office for two weeks without anyone noticing:

  * * *

  Step 1

  Intern at a place where it’s not weird to see people at 4 a.m.

  Step 2

  Make a bed out of leftover foam from a giant hamburger costume.

  Step 3

  Put a giant chicken poster over your office window.

  Step 4

  Become friends with the security guard.

  His name is Henry.

  Step 5

  Work until everyone leaves.

  Step 6

  Start working again before anyone gets in.

  Step 7

  Shower at the office gym.

  Step 8

  Eat free breakfast in the kitchen.

  I recommend the croissants.

  You know, hypothetically.

  HOW I WENT FROM IDIOT INTERN TO IDIOT PROFESSIONAL

  To: Bob_Winter, John_Matazak

  Hey!

  So I met this guy Kevin, and told him I was hoping to move out to the West Coast to work. He gave your names as good people to contact. I was a former intern at Crispin Porter + Bogusky before freelancing around Chicago for about 2 months. Goodby Silverstein & Partners is high on my list of awesomeness (right under pre-foamed soap) and I’d love it if somebody out there could take a look at my book and give happy words to the recruiter/hr person that will make them give me a phone call where they yell a bunch of numbers at me. But baby steps... first let me say hi and send you my resume. Thanks,

  -Thomas

  ----

  The original message was received at Fri, 9 Dec 2005 11:44:59 -0800 from zproxy.gmail.com [64.233.162.199]

  ----- The following addresses had permanent fatal errors -----

  (reason: 550 [email protected] unknown user account)

  ----- Transcript of session follows -----

  ... while talking to [10.0.0.94]:

  >>> DATA

  <<< 550 [email protected] unknown user account

  550 5.1.1 ... User unknown

  <<< 554 no valid RCPT address specified

  Final-Recipient: RFC822; [email protected]

  Action: failed

  Status: 5.1.1

  Remote-MTA: DNS; [10.0.0.94]

  Diagnostic-Code: SMTP; 550 [email protected] unknown user account

  Last-Attempt-Date: Fri, 9 Dec 2005 11:45:06 -0800

  From: Bob_Winter:

  Thomas,

  sure - you bet. send it on.

  i’ll throw the happy words at you and matejczyk will throw the numbers.

  some words i’m thinking about:

  speculum.

  nutsack.

  vienna sausage.

  shorn.

  brazillian.

  edward.

  talk soon

  b

  ----

  To: Bob_Winter

  Thanks Bob!

  Excellent. I like edward and speculum the best so far, but I was thinking groupings of words (ie: thigh bone, anvil dent, Prince of Wales, etc.) here’s my book.

  Also, a guy I worked with at Crispin Porter + Bogusky told me to contact Mike there as well. Do you mind forwarding this on to him as well? I don’t know if you have some fierce rivalry, and judging by my luck e-mailing Matejczyk, he’s probably got a silent Q or X or something.

  Thanks,

  -Thomas “What’s with this kid, like is he stupid?” Kemeny

  To: John_Matejczyk, Bob_Winter

  This is the mandatory “1 week follow-up” e-mail they told us we have to do in all my classes (ah, the wonderful insights, I almost don’t mind paying for it for the rest of my life).

  I’m sure you’ve just been busy either a) doing awesomeness for “the man” or b) stacking water cups to make a giant mural that says “hire Thomas” with dragons shooting flames on either side. I hope for b.

  Let me know what you’re thinking.

  -Thomas

  ----

  From: John_Matejczyk,

  Hey Tom.

  give me the mandatory post holidays follow up. buried now.

  thanks.

  -John ----

  From: Bob_Winter

  hey man - sorry for the lag time here. trying to think of new ways to say suck-y. how about El Sucko.

  No, i liked your work quite a bit. in fact, send me a physical copy and i’ll give it on to linda harless. she is the creative recruiter. don’t hold your breath because i haven’t heard of them looking for people, but if they like it something could happen down the line. we might win a cool new piece of business, or who knows maybe i’ll completely tank and they’ll fire me and then my salary will free up.

  i also sent it to matejjjykkkkkch. and mike.

  talk soon.

  b

  ----

  To: Bob_Winter

  No problem. I’ll print up a copy and tell Pablo to get the horses ready for the Pony Express.

  Thanks for everything, and hopefully we’ll be in touch,

 
-Thomas

  ----

  To: Linda_Harless

  Hey Linda,

  Just following up to see if you’ve had a chance to set up the interview dates. I’m the ex-CPB intern guy with the square portfolio that had Bob Winter pass you my book.

  Best,

  -Thomas

  ----

  From: Linda_Harless

  I’m pleased to say we can use you as fast as I can get you out here.

  Maybe Tuesday?

  IN SCHOOL YOU RARELY WRITE.

  IN AN AGENCY YOU RARELY STOP.

  Hats off to ad schools because they have done a great job of teaching big ideas. It’s rare to meet a creative who can’t come up with a clever insight.

  But, the majority of our job is not coming up with ideas. It’s crafting the words and art around your and other people’s ideas.

  Ideas will move your career forward, but no matter how gigantic your ideas, you will have to write. I can’t state enough how much you will be writing. To use myself as an example, in my frst year I filled a notebook every other week (and I mostly use the computer). At some point your hand will hurt from writing.

  Make peace with this fact and writing doesn’t have to be the “other part” of your job. Writing can be ideas too. A great headline is always the byproduct of smart thinking. The next few pages are what I’ve learned about this freeing type of writing. How to make it shorter and better. How to make it longer and more interesting. How to have a f’*&ing g@@d time w/ punctuation! How to move people and make them feel stuff in their stomachs and heads. And how to make body copy that doesn’t suck. And legal copy that’s enjoyable. And a ton of other tricks. In other words, how to not be a shitty writer and enjoy your job.

  BECOME A PROLIFIC WRITER.

  YOU HAVE FIVE MINUTES.

  Knowing how to get a brilliant line after a week is different than being a full-fledged copywriter. You will be doing ten times as much work at an agency as you did in school. Then you will redo that work to incorporate comments from the creative director, your client, the account team, strategists, research, and legal. And then your creative director again. “This reads like a lawyer wrote it.” You will have times when you do a line in an hour. Or right then with the creative director looking at you.

  Moral of the story: there’s no waiting for inspiration.

  The faster you can craft, the more time you’ll have for blue-sky thinking. Because they sure as hell aren’t putting time into the schedule for that. You got that space-cowboy? We’ve got deadlines to meet.

  Early on in my career I was working on a new client pitch. I came in at 8:30 a.m. one morning and Rich Silverstein was already in the office, but nobody else.

  “Hey, what do you do?”

  “I’m a copywriter.”

  “Great.” he said as he handed me a sketch. “Do a line for that.”

  A half hour later he called me into his office. He put the headline I gave him onto the ad.

  “Eh, it’s too long. Think of a shorter one.”

  He then politely tapped the lid of his marker on the table as he waited for me to write a new line on the spot.

  REPEAT:

  “I WILL NOT WRITE HEADLINES.”

  You know those sleazy lines that sound like they should be followed by a frat boy yelling “ZING!”? Don’t write them. If you can hear a used car dealer saying it, unless that’s your concept, don’t write it. Make it juicy and fun, but not “you just got headlined!”

  It’s tough not to write something obvious, but here’s a simple trick: Write until you go stupid. Sit in front of a page and write and write and write, line after line in quick succession until your lines are loosely connected to where you started. If you’re writing about shoes, your headline topics may go like this: shoes, shoes, shoes, feet, feet, walking, walking, running, running and walking, long walks, thousand mile journeys, centipedes, animals wearing shoes, vanilla ice cream. Write until you hit vanilla ice cream, because soon after your subconscious will throw a gem at you, and buried in a list of lines that are weird and occasionally don’t even make sense, you will fnd a line so deep and perfect that you’ll wonder where it came from. You’ll cover up the page, hoping that nobody realizes that you stole the line from your subconscious and you didn’t actually have anything to do with it. Shhh, don’t tell anyone. Nobody will know but us. I’ve been stealing lines from my subconscious my whole career. I haven’t written a damn thing myself.

  You’ll know when you have a great headline because your pupils will dilate, you’ll burst into laughter, your palms will sweat. You will look at the line and think “There is no better headline in the universe!!”

  Headline:

  As a company we’re proud to support diversity and individuality.

  * * *

  Headline??:

  Never hide your true identity unless you can fy or bend steel.

  Then, once it can’t possibly be any better, you want to take that one perfect line and rewrite it 20 different ways. Flop the structure. Start with the verb. Start with the noun. Play. Play. Play.

  It’s a lot of work, but it’s fun if you do it this way. Plus, you’re not doing the work anyway, you’re just letting your mind float and stealing words it comes across. Isn’t theft fun?

  WORDPLAY COMES

  SECOND.

  From their very origin, words were created to express ideas. Why is it then that we ever see ads with words just thrown together? Our own kind has created paragraphs that contain zero meaning. We have murdered those words. Those words’ poor families will never feel their warm breath against their skin again. Why have you forsaken them? Please make sure your words have purpose. Think before you write. Nothing, said well, is still nothing.

  A series of words:

  Watch golf all day every day with On Demand golf.

  * * *

  An idea:

  St. Andrews, always open for worship.

  WRITE LIKE YOU WRITE.

  The classic rule is to write like you talk. Unfortunately this cuts out letting you play with spelling, punctuation, capitalization, double meanings, abbreviations, layout, structuring, etc. I’m going out on a limb here and assuming that you write Facebook statuses, tweets, emails, texts, instant messages, captions, and scribble little notes. If you’re like most young people you probably write more in a given day than talk. That’s how we communicate these days. That’s how people read. That’s how you can write. Why write like you talk? Who talks anymore?

  From their very origin, words were created to express ideas. Why is it then that we ever see ads with words just thrown together? Our own kind has created paragraphs that contain zero meaning. We have murdered those words. Those words’ poor families will never feel their warm breath against their skin again. Why have you forsaken them? Please make sure your words have purpose. Think before you write. Nothing, said well, is still nothing.

  Line you could say:

  It’s what CEOs read.

  * * *

  Line that only works if you see it:

  Thanks.

  –The management

  THESE WORDS HAVE BEEN KILLED BY ADVERTISING.

  Use them sparingly or ironically:

  PERFECT

  UNIQUE

  INTERESTING

  NEW

  NO WONDER

  SPECIAL

  NOT TO MENTION

  THAT’S WHY

  FIRST

  ONLY

  EXCLUSIVE

  SPECIAL

  NO MATTER

  A HEADLINE LIVES BEYOND

  ITS WORD COUNT.

  If you’ve painted the whole picture in five words, it’s a pretty boring picture. Headlines are stories. Or rather, headlines tease at stories. Some aspect of them lingers in your mind.

  A proper line leaves you dumbfounded. It slaps you. Punches you in the gut. You can’t help but keep thinking about it. You want to tell others. You want to re-read it. You want to see what’s in the body copy (surely t
he answer must be there).

  The problem many copywriters make is that they write headlines that are eerily contained. They finish the second you reach the period.

  But ads want to be memorable so the thought makes it to the product shelf. The words need to leave your mind drifting. They introduce a bigger world or a silly thought.

  And here comes the contradiction: sometimes a headline can stay quiet. If you’ve got a complicated visual or idea, find the simplest, cleanest way to say what you have to, and get out.

  Boring:

  Fast has a new name.

  * * *

  Interesting:

  Fast has a new name and it’s Walter. We’re very Walter.

  EVERYTHING SOUNDS BETTER

  WITH A BRITISH ACCENT.

  Is the voice of the ad Winston Churchill? Homer? Snoop Dogg? Socrates? A cool uncle? Grandpa?

  Give your words a perspective. Think about where it’s coming from and where it’s going. Everyone talks about knowing your target, but you also want to know your voice as the author. Otherwise your ads start sounding like they’re coming from the Great Ad-Voice in the Sky down to the anonymous masses.

  Before you ever put pen to paper, think about how you’re going to say what you’re saying. Sometimes when I want to write poetically I’ll do a little theatrical fair with my hand in the air as I grab for the words. It puts my head where I want it to be.

  If you were going for a worldly gentleman tone instead of saying “A is like B” you might say “A is not unlike B.”

  With that said, I’ve found that when I simply let go and just write as myself, honestly, purely, that all the CDs and clients say “Oh, this is totally in the voice of the brand.” Go figure.

  No voice:

  The new no-glare tablet. Take work out of the office and into the sun.

  * * *

  With voice:

  The new tablet. Embrace the light my office brethren.

  DON’T LIE OR EXAGGERATE,

  JUST REFRAME UNTIL YOU WIN.

  The FCC lets you get away with a lot of lies. The public will not. People can see right through an exaggerated claim, and while it might make them react, it won’t make them believe. Honesty is powerful stuff though. Of course, what truth you show is up to you. It’s your ad. That means it’s your game to create; feel free to nudge the rules until they’re in your favor.