Junior Read online

  Junior: writing your way ahead in advertising

  Text © 2019 Thomas Kemeny

  Introduction © 2019 Jeff Goodby

  Book design by Anna Kasnyik - www.ksnyk.com

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner in any media, or transmitted by any means whatsoever, electronic or mechanical (including photocopy, film or video recording, Internet posting, or any other information storage and retrieval system), without the prior written permission of the publisher.

  Published in the United States by powerHouse Books,

  a division of powerHouse Cultural Entertainment, Inc.

  32 Adams Street, Brooklyn, NY 11201-1021

  [email protected]

  www.powerHouseBooks.com

  Limit of Liability Disclaimer: Although the author has made every effort to ensure that the information in this book was correct at press time, the author and publisher do not assume and hereby disclaim any liability to any party for any loss, damage, or disruption caused by errors or omissions, whether such errors or omissions result from negligence, accident, or any other cause.

  Further, while every effort was made to make the information in here useful, the author and publisher do not assume and hereby disclaim any liability to any party for any financial or professional loss, damage, or disruption caused by following the advice in this book. The book is called Junior and thus all the information herein should be taken with a grain of salt. Like seriously, the author is just one guy and he doesn’t even run an ad agency. Though he wants to be helpful, he’s far from perfect and following his advice blindly is probably not a good idea. If you only read one book on advertising that you’ll base all of your decisions on, read another one. Don’t bet your whole career or whole business on what is said in here. Also, the author uses a few swear words.

  To all lawyers and other people who love reading fine print, thank you for taking the time to look at this. I hope you found it to your satisfaction.

  Library of Congress Control Number: 2018961865

  EBook ISBN 978-1-57687-960-3

  To my loving wife, Jen:

  yo!

  FOREWORD BY JEFF GOODBY

  PREFACE

  I. A NEEDLESSLY SPECIFIC STORY ABOUT HOW TO GET IN.

  In case you’re one of those go-getters who got this book before you got a job.

  II. WRITING. REWRITING. RE-REWRITING.

  Say hello to 90% of your job.

  III. MORE WORDS? YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING.

  Body copy and other longer form writing.

  IV. TV OR ONLINE VIDEO OR WHATEVER IT’S CALLED NOW.

  The simple medium that people love to make complicated.

  V. WHEN IN DOUBT, GO WITH THE SWEDES.

  Digital, social, and all of that.

  VI. ADS PEOPLE CLIMB INSIDE OF AND POTENTIALLY SPRAIN THEIR ANKLES ON.

  Experiential marketing beyond a logo at a concert.

  VII. GOODBYE, NIGHTS AND WEEKENDS.

  Pitching new business.

  VIII. LOSING A MONTH’S WORK IN FIVE SECONDS.

  The delicate art of presenting.

  IX. WORDS OF WISDOM. OR AT THE VERY LEAST, WORDS.

  Hard lessons of unfortunate origin.

  X. YOU’LL BE FINE. OR NOT.

  Counterintuitive inspiration on being an advertising creative.

  XI. FUNNY, YOU SIGNED UP FOR AN AGENCY JOB BUT ENDED UP IN POLITICS.

  The right way and how to avoid it.

  XII. QS AND MY AS.

  Questions I’ve been asked and my surly responses.

  FOREWORD BY JEFF GOODBY

  PREFACE

  I. A NEEDLESSLY SPECIFIC STORY ABOUT HOW TO GET IN.

  In case you’re one of those go-getters who got this book before you got a job.

  II. WRITING. REWRITING. RE-REWRITING.

  Say hello to 90% of your job.

  III. MORE WORDS? YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING.

  Body copy and other longer form writing.

  IV. TV OR ONLINE VIDEO OR WHATEVER IT’S CALLED NOW.

  The simple medium that people love to make complicated.

  V. WHEN IN DOUBT, GO WITH THE SWEDES.

  Digital, social, and all of that.

  VI. ADS PEOPLE CLIMB INSIDE OF AND POTENTIALLY SPRAIN THEIR ANKLES ON.

  Experiential marketing beyond a logo at a concert.

  VII. GOODBYE, NIGHTS AND WEEKENDS.

  Pitching new business.

  VIII. LOSING A MONTH’S WORK IN FIVE SECONDS.

  The delicate art of presenting.

  IX. WORDS OF WISDOM. OR AT THE VERY LEAST, WORDS.

  Hard lessons of unfortunate origin.

  X. YOU’LL BE FINE. OR NOT.

  Counterintuitive inspiration on being an advertising creative.

  XI. FUNNY, YOU SIGNED UP FOR AN AGENCY JOB BUT ENDED UP IN POLITICS.

  The right way and how to avoid it.

  XII. QS AND MY AS.

  Questions I’ve been asked and my surly responses.

  Preface

  This book represents my views and not those of my employers.

  Unless you like it, in which case they not only endorse it, but it was their idea.

  In most agencies it’s an insult. A slur. From the moment you get in, you want to kill that word off of your title. Murder it and have its body wash ashore in Baltimore. You try to mumble it in hopes that people will miss it. Scratch it off of forms so that others won’t see it. Why won’t it die? Make the hurt stop.

  Junior.

  It’s also where the energy of an agency comes from. The title of the people willing to do anything it takes, anytime it takes. “Sure, I can work this weekend. I can just make it to my next kid’s birth.” Junior is the pulse. The youth and vibrancy. The bright-eyed, puppy-dog hope that refuses to be jaded by anything. The fight that makes the subhead on a banner as stellar as the TV spot. The heart.

  In a perfect agency, we’re all juniors.

  This is your last chance to turn around.

  Traditionally, advertising books have been written by people with established careers, big offices, and letters like “VP” in their titles. Superstars who’ve been working for several decades. They have stories from the old days when people could start in the mailroom. They’re sagely CDs or ECDs. They are talented.

  That’s been done.

  Who wants another book filled with seasoned wisdom? This is a book written by somebody still getting his bearings. Someone who has made an extraordinary number of errors in a still short career. Someone who has managed to work at some of the best agencies in the world despite these shortcomings.

  Hi. I’m Thomas.

  This book is not a retrospective from some ad legend. This is not a book for clients or our bosses. It’s a book that should be instantly useful for people starting out. A guide for the first few years at a place you’d actually want to work.

  Advertising books haven’t been written by people who deal with banners, social media post copy, print ads in local papers, etc. I did. You will.

  This is a book for the year s in the trenches. The all-nighters. The years where you are making something out of nothing seven days a week, because you’re lucky to even be given nothing.

  By way of disclaimer I’ll mention that my way into advertising was a strange one. It didn’t involve friends in the business, portfolio schools, nepotism, or secret society membership. I didn’t kill or sleep with anyone (not for my career anyways). I got in because I worked like a mule and did what I’ll talk about in the following pages.

  Some of the things I did were smart. A lot of the things I did were stupid. Clearly I did enough things right, but in all honesty I made and continue to make more than my share of mistakes. And some of my biggest mistakes have led to my greatest succ
esses. Learn from mine and perhaps you can find bigger and better mistakes to make.

  This book is my personal perspective (shaped of course by those around me), but I don’t blame anyone else for my views. Nor should you.

  Alright then, enough dicking around. Welcome to advertising. Grab some leftover pizza from the kitchen and let’s get to work.

  HOW TO GET A FOOT IN THE DOOR

  (hint: lead with your balls).

  At Crispin Porter+Bogusky in 2005, they had a full-wall bookcase filled with prospective employee portfolios. Hundreds. One day I asked the recruiter, “Are those all the portfolios you guys have been sent this year?” She told me, “No. Those are just the portfolios worth hanging onto.”

  Do something big, or you’ll just be another “maybe” in that wall of portfolios. Need an example of how to get in? Keep reading.

  (Internship phone call)

  “Hi Veronica, this is Thomas Kemeny.”

  “…”

  “I emailed you and you said to send my book. Have you had a chance to look at it?”

  “It’s here somewhere.”

  “Oh…”

  “…”

  “…”

  “Tell you what, why don’t you send me a letter about why you want to intern at Crispin Porter + Bogusky.”

  “Ok.”

  Dear Veronica,

  Why I want to work at Crispin Porter + Bogusky

  I’m sick of people asking to see my ads. Friends, family, co-workers, instructors, everyone is always curious what new ideas I’ve come up with. I’ve had strangers come up to me and tell me they’ve heard about an ad I did, and that they want to see it. It’s becoming a nuisance, and I think CP+B is the solution.

  If I intern there then I can say to people, “Go pick up Rolling Stone, and you’ll see the ad I made.” Or “See that ad in Rolling Stone? I got a low-fat organic cranberry scone for the guy who came up with that.”

  So why would I choose CP+B over another agency? Because you produce ads that aren’t culturally null. And your agency creates ads that are appreciated by non-advertising people, and that’s what I try to do.

  Why you should want to hire me

  I could say that I’m smart, dedicated, reliable, honest, ridiculously nice, pleasant, easy to be around, etc., because it’s all true. However, I think I’ll focus on the really important issue—I don’t smell bad.

  I’m sure you’ve gotten lots of letters from lots of people who want to intern there, and I’m positive that none of them have mentioned how they smell. Now, I’m not implying that they do smell, but keep in mind that you’re running the risk. So I’m going to let you know right off the bat that I don’t.

  Why not to hire me

  Why should you have to waste your time thinking of reasons not to hire me? I figured I’d save you some time, and give you a list.

  I have really bad handwriting (I know you can’t tell here, but it’s really bad.)

  I live in Chicago (and what kind of lunatic would be willing to go to Florida in the heart of summer for an unpaid internship?) I don’t go to a portfolio school (so how can I be expected to create ads that look like everyone else’s?)

  In closing

  I hope you hire me, and not just somebody from a portfolio school. Heaven help advertising if even CP+B becomes predictable.

  I love you guys,

  Thomas Kemeny

  Hi Thomas,

  I liked your letter. Do we already have your mini-book here? If not then please send it over—I’d love to see your work. Are you a writer?

  Thanks!

  Veronica

  ---

  Dear Veronica,

  I’m glad you liked my letter. To answer your questions,

  1.) Yes you do have my book but it’s not mini, it’s a gaudy 8.5 x 11 thing, because

  2.) Yes, I am a writer, and the copy would be hard to read if it were small. It looks like a standard, blue school notebook with writing on it. I hope you like my work, and I apologize for the extra space it may be taking up on your desk. Contact me if you need me to send another one, or for any other reason.

  -Thomas Kemeny

  ----

  OOOOOH, that book. I do have it. It’s on my desk. Cool. I’ll get back with you in about a week.

  Thanks!

  :)

  Veronica

  ----

  ...

  Dear Veronica,

  This is the student from Chicago who doesn’t smell bad and doesn’t go to a portfolio school. I wrote a letter a while back about why I want to work there and why you should hire me. I also happened to write why you shouldn’t hire me. Being an unfortunately persuasive writer, I must’ve convinced you too well that I shouldn’t work there, because I am still in Chicago.

  I must admit that this was not in fact my intention. I actually wanted to work there. I thought this message was conveyed properly when I received an enthused e-mail from you asking to see my work. Then everything got hazy.

  I can’t help feeling like a stranded puppy (search Getty Images for “sad puppy” if you need reference). I never got an official rejection, or advice, or an internship, or a rabid koala. I wasn’t expecting the koala, but I would have liked to receive one of the others. It might be in part because I never gave a land address, but I never got an e-mail or phone call either.

  I still think I’d be a good writer because I write ads that are inside of the box (everyone seems to be moving outside of the box so the rent is pretty cheap and it’s roomier). I also found that I have other qualities that I didn’t mention in the last letter.

  Reasons to still hire me:

  I’m persistent

  I’m tall (so I can take down cookie jars that may be lingering just out of reach, and let’s face it, what good is a creative department without cookies?)

  I’m easy to get along with. Way easier than a Russian dictator (who I don’t recommend you guys hire even if you don’t hire me. You hire him and next thing you know you’ll all be wearing those funny fur hats, and then the PETA people will be all over you.)

  I’m not a professional boxer. (Other people applying might be, and while it might seem like a good idea, it could cause problems. Just try telling Evander Holyfield that his copy needs work.)

  To be fair I also found more reasons why you still shouldn’t hire me.

  Reasons you still shouldn’t hire me:

  I keep giving you reasons not to hire me.

  My handwriting is getting worse and worse (I mentioned this in the last letter, but these scrawls are getting pretty ridiculous. I had to buy the Rosetta stone just so I could find out what I myself was writing.)

  I sent you my book two months ago, and now that book is 2 months old. And what kind of person sends a book that’s 2 months old?

  I’m still interested in CP+B and I would like to give you a revised copy of my book.

  Let me know if you’re curious. If not, here’s where you can send the rejection letter:

  555 Smith St.

  Chicago, IL 60613.

  Thank you,

  -Thomas

  ----

  Dear Veronica Padilla,

  I still haven’t heard back from you, so I’ll assume that you’ve all been kidnapped by pandas. I’ll also assume that they stole your computers and that you would probably want me to reattach the letters I’ve written you in case you escape. You’ll probably want at least one work sample as well, so I’ve attached that too. Thanks

  -Thomas

  ----

  Thanks for your concern. The Pandas decided to set me free. I’ll be in touch soon. I need some time to recoup.

  :)

  Veronica

  ----

  Dear Veronica,

  This is the guy from Chicago that doesn’t smell bad, doesn’t go to portfolio school, and is not a professional boxer. We have e-mailed back and forth several times now, and it has recently come to my attention that I still don’t work at CP+B. I’ve been trying to figure i
t out for a while and I think I’ve finally isolated the problems:

  I write too much (I mean, this is advertising, what business does a copywriter have writing so many words? And in Times New Roman!! Has nobody told me that’s not allowed?)

  I have not proven my pie-eating ability (and when those jerks from that law firm burst into the agency with a hundred pies and challenge the creatives to a pie eating contest to the death, how do you know I can hold my own?)

  You’ve never seen me, so how do you know I’m not ugly or that I don’t have a robotic arm?

  You don’t know if I can handle the serious workload of your agency (working late, waking up early, pulling all-nighters, writing all the time, sometimes not having time to eat.)

  I’ve never told you anything I do outside of advertising (so how do you know I can keep up an interesting conversation while the rest of the hostages sneak out the door?)

  Well, let me resolve these issues for you:

  I don’t have to write so much. I can stop in the middle of

  Sure I’m skinny, but I can pack away a fair number of pies.

  How dare you call me ugly and draw attention to my robotic arm?

  I’m finishing a 4-year college. I know all about not sleeping, working hard, missing meals because I’m on a roll writing, losing all my work at 5 a.m. that’s due at 8 a.m. This is nothing new to me. I look forward to the craziness.

  I have lots of things I do other than advertising. I cook awesome food and love learning facts about different dishes and ingredients, I play guitar, I write short stories, I run and cycle, I draw (mostly in charcoal), and I smile and spread my cheer. Actually, one of the reasons I’m in advertising is because I’m interested in everything else in the world too.

  I’d love to work at CP+B, and I know I’d get along really well with everyone. Maybe I could be flown down there sometime (if I can sneak my robotic arm through customs that is).

  Regardless, get in contact with me. We’ll talk advertising, reminisce on our past communications and plot our revenge against the pandas,

  -Thomas

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